End of Life: Part 3
How much is too much?
There comes a point in everyone’s life where the treatments offered seem like too much. When the treatments become too painful, too invasive or too expensive. There is often a concern though that we have to do everything we possibly can to make sure our loved one lives for as long as possible. We don’t want to be responsible for their death!
The Church recognizes, however, there’s a difference between directly killing someone and allowing someone to pass. That it’s okay to allow nature to take its course at the end, even though it’s difficult. We don’t have to keep our loved one alive as long as possible. We just have to love them as well as possible as long as they’re alive.
The Church makes a distinction between ordinary and extraordinary means of care. Ordinary means are those things that are not an excessive burden: basic hygiene needs, food, water and comfort. Extraordinary means are any other treatments that are invasive, difficult, expensive or painful. Treatments that have a limited chance of success or uncertain results would also be considered extraordinary.
When we near the end of life, ordinary means should always be maintained. We are allowed to pursue extraordinary means of treatment, but we don’t have to. There are times though when the ordinary means become extraordinary like when our body is no longer able to process food.
Again, it’s not about living as long as possible, it’s about being loved as long as possible.
~ Fr. Alex Lorang, St. Thomas Parochial Vicar
End of Life: Part 2
For the Family of Those Suffering
It’s hard to watch someone we love get sick. It’s hard to watch someone who was once so strong grow so weak. There’s a temptation to avoid them so that we don’t have to face our own internal struggles. We want them well and rightfully so. But how can we be prepared to walk with them during this time?
One of the biggest things for those who are sick is just being present. Just sitting in the room and reading even if you’re not talking the whole time. Holding their hand when words are too hard. Coming to learn what they want rather than what we think they want.
At the same time, we need to make sure we have appropriate outlets, friendships and support so that we have a place to process. Whether it be a trusted friend, a spouse, a priest or a counselor. Someone just to talk to so that we’re not bottling things up inside.
~ Fr. Alex Lorang, St. Thomas Parochial Vicar
April 13, 2025
End of Life: Part 1
For the One Suffering
One of the major issues that all of us will face as we age is a diminished ability to “do.” From driving and working, to eventually even standing and walking, we all begin to slow down.
It’s not until we experience a major accident or injury that reality begins to set in. When this happens, we quickly buy into the cultural thought regarding human productivity. We equate our worth with what we can do, rather than who we are. We are made in God’s image and likeness, and by our baptism, we become sons and daughters of a loving Father. That’s a big deal! And this does not diminish with age or injury.
More than this, as Catholics, we recognize that suffering isn’t meaningless or purposeless. That when we unite our suffering with Christ, it is redemptive. We participate in Christ’s mission of salvation for the world.
By His death and resurrection, Jesus Christ made meaningful what was once meaningless. He allowed even our infirmities to become valuable when we unite with Him. It’s as simple as making the prayer, “Lord, I offer this suffering for …” And then listing all those things we want to pray for. Allowing us to keep the focus off our own misery and on the needs of others.
To be clear, this does not make things easy. Suffering is still suffering no matter how noble it becomes. But when we suffer with someone else in mind, it makes it a little easier to bear that suffering for ourselves.
~ Fr. Alex Lorang, St. Thomas Parochial Vicar
February 9, 2025
For the past five years I have struggled to convince my mother to be intentional about getting older. Always a free and younger spirit, she is reluctant to put things in place to assist her kids with finding her care, preparing for medical issues and downsizing and setting up her plans for when she dies. The internet is full of advice about downsizing your parents, setting up the legal paperwork and preparing for the future. Yet, I have learned through experience that the most common approach families are left with is “wait and see”- waiting until their loved one is in a situation that demands a response. Lori Culberson, funeral planner for St. Thomas meets with families after their loved one’s death. She is amazed at how often the deceased failed to put things in place to ease the loss for their families. Here are her thoughts for you and your family:
Preplanning a funeral is an act of faith, so talk about church and their faith journey. Ask what scriptures most speak to their spirit. Ask how and where they see God. Find out their favorite music, and what memories, places and things meant the most in their life. It can be an amazing discovery…it can also bring the return of beautiful, blessed memories.
I have struggled in my own family to have meaningful conversations about the end of life. I have found that sharing stories of recent funerals has been an easier path. “Mrs. Jones had her niece sing at her funeral Mass, what do you thinking of having a singer?” Such specific questions open the conversation without being threatening.
The question of cremation verses casket is a tough decision for a family who has no idea of their loved one’s wishes. It helps to mention other family member’s choices. My grandmother would never have considered cremation, yet my grandfather chose to be cremated. Same family – two definite different choices.
My father–in-law knew his end days were near. He was clear about cremation. My husband chose to create a wooden Urn for him. It became a labor of love. Cremation urns do NOT have to be purchased from a funeral home. They can be expensive choices, or they can be simple and meaningful. My daughter-in-law’s grandmother was cremated, and her urn was a toolbox that her deceased husband had made in the early days of their marriage.
We all have stories of those estates that ended up in probate court, costing tons of money and time. It can be devastating for families to suffer a loss – and then to be truly hurt financially. A Will is not enough, a Trust needs to be in place for the transfer of funds to be smooth. A Trust also allows for decisions about planned giving, such as the St. Thomas Legacy Circle program. Please make these arrangements for your loved ones by finding an estate planning attorney.
St. Thomas recently lost a parishioner who had purchased a book on Amazon called, “I’m Dead, Now What?” It had all her wishes, information, bank accounts, car keys, and life details in one book. It was fabulous for the family. I recommend this book if you’re ready to delve into this subject. Planned death arrangements bring the acceptance of death and the promise of eternity and is a beautiful gift to your family.
-Nancy Kratz, Ph.D.
-Lori Culberson, St. Thomas Funeral Planner
November 24, 2024
As Catholics, we acknowledge the intrinsic dignity of every human person, from conception until natural death. This means that people have value simply because they are people, not because they are “useful” or “productive.” It is enough to simply exist for human life to be valuable.
With this in mind, we never want to diminish someone’s value because their “quality of life” is different from the norm, whether due to sickness, hospitalization, chronic conditions or even an inability to care for oneself. In all those situations, we still acknowledge and uphold the dignity inherent to every human person as being made in the image and likeness of God.
Scripture reminds us of our value as children of God. “See what love the Father has bestowed on us that we may be called the children of God. Yet so we are” (1 John 3:1). If we are all God’s children, then that makes us brothers and sisters with a responsibility to love and care for one another as Christ has loved us. “Beloved, let us love one another, because love is of God; everyone who loves is begotten by God and knows God” (1 John 4:7).
The Catechism of the Catholic Church says further, “Endowed with a ‘spiritual and immortal’ soul, the human person is ‘the only creature on earth that God has willed for its own sake.’ From conception, we are destined for eternal [life]” (CCC, 1703). This means that God wants us, not to build an army or get a job done, He just wants us. We are valuable simply because we’re His, and this is something that can never be taken from us no matter our state in life.
It’s important to remember our value, not only for the sake of other people but also for ourselves. The way we think about ourselves matters, especially in light of God’s truth for us. How we think about ourselves can change the way we let others treat us or even how we care for ourselves.
~ Fr. Alex Lorang, St. Thomas Parochial Vicar
October 27, 2024
We all must adapt to physical changes as we age. Hair loss, hearing impairment, bladder issues, decreased stamina, joint issues. How we perceive these changes can significantly impact our quality of life. Which change has affected you the most? Which do you fear? Which change is simply something to manage and accept as part of the journey? It is important to listen to your body and accept the changes so you can seek treatment where available. However, I think some changes affect us more deeply because of what they represent. Hair loss for a woman may be a loss of her felt beauty. Incontinence for a man may be viewed as a loss of control over his body and perhaps his life. It’s embarrassing and not always treatable.
Most women have a lifetime feeling loss of control over their bodies. Monthly cycles they don’t control. Pregnancy impacting their body. Menopause resulting in additional physical changes in midlife. Women are continually adapting to the physical changes their bodies go through. Aging brings additional change requiring adjustment.
But for men, physical changes in the second half of life, may be the first time they have experienced significant body change. Incontinence, changes in sleep patterns, losing muscle mass and hearing or hair loss are perhaps blows to a man’s perception of himself. As men age, it is harder to hold onto the masculine norms of strength, self-reliance and self-control.
Many writers encourage women to honor their bodies. To care for them intentionally. To love the body we are given. Perhaps it is time to use the same language with men. Respect the years your body has taken you through. Honor it for still being here to engage with life. It is the only one you have. Care for it. Respect it. Find ways to manage or treat it. It is your body. But it is not the only thing you are. It is not your soul.
~ Nancy Kratz PhD, St. Thomas Wellness and Ministry Coordinator
September 29, 2024
Living and aging cannot be separated. Contrary to TV commercials, aging is not a disease to be cured. Attributing physical decline to age rather than illness perpetuates the negative stereotype of older people as frail and debilitated.
We assume that having an active old age requires being free of any impairment. But today older individuals cope with chronic illness better than in the past thanks to modern medicine and the adoption of healthier lifestyles. They ask “How do I keep doing the things I want to do?” Maybe I’m slower. Maybe I need those magnifying glasses for crafting. Maybe my bike now has 3 wheels.
Not dealing with aging, is not dealing with living, and postpones addressing health and living issues that could lead to helpful interventions, products, or services. For example, exercise is associated with improving-even preventing- cognitive decline. Becoming physically active at any point substantially reduces the likelihood of becoming seriously ill or physically disabled later. It appears it is never too late to start a healthy habit.
Even more surprising is the research linking people’s perceptions of aging and their health and behavior. Positive attitudes towards aging are associated with better functional health, greater ability to recover from severe disability, and a longer life span. Those without the positive attitude are less likely to exercise or seek healthcare and die earlier. Our perceptions influence our lifestyle choices.
And remember, as Sarah Young, author of Jesus Calling reminds us, even though “the body you inhabit is changing”, we can always find peace knowing that Christ is always with us, and is “the same yesterday, today, and forever”.
Nancy Kratz, PhD, St. Thomas Wellness and Ministry Coordinator
September 8, 2024
In an August Homily, Fr. Alex talked about the psychological theory that we move through life holding onto schemas, or ways of looking at the world. If I’ve had a hard life, I might view life as a perpetual struggle, or as a gift, for I managed to survive my challenges. How do we view getting older? Do we carry around the schema that older age will be a challenge and a series of losses and regrets? Can we view aging as an opportunity to fulfill dreams, give back or grow closer to God?
A recent perusal of books on aging resulted in a variety of labels to put on our aging choices: perhaps we can “embrace aging,” have “active” aging versus passively allowing it to happen to us. Authors suggest “aging faithfully,” “aging with grace” and “healthy aging.”
Ashton Applewhite, in her book “This Chair Rocks: A Manifesto against Ageism,” suggests we ditch the labels altogether, for the moment we are born, we are all getting older. When someone younger says “You look great for your age!” she suggests you return the comment with “You look great for your age too!”
God doesn’t care how old we are, he continues to have a purpose for us. David was chosen to be a king when he was a boy. Abraham and Sarah had children when they were very old.
This bulletin series is offered as an opportunity to consider your views on getting older. How do I view aging and God’s plan for me in the last half or quarter of my life? What can I do in my 20s or 50s to help create a meaningful older age? What does the Catholic Church teach about our value as we age, and the importance of leaving a legacy? And finally, how do I view the step into eternity? Welcome to “Aging with Intention and Faith.” Articles will be found in the printed bulletins and on the website at stapostle.org.
~ Nancy Kratz, Ph.D. St. Thomas Wellness Coordinator
~ Fr. Alex Lorang, St. Thomas Parochial Vicar
Join us for the first guest speaker of the series, Larisa Alonso, MS, LN, CNS, who will present “Aging Gracefully, Aging Healthily” Tuesday, October 8, from 11:00 am–12:30 pm. Click here for more details. To register contact Nancy Kratz at nkratz@stapostle.org or 630.355.8980, x104